Anxiety

I have been perusing the blog universe these past few days, which has made me realize how very sub-par my little blog really is. I'm going to try and make an effort over the next few weeks (or more likely, when I get back from my trip) to jazz it up a little.
Right now, my brain is filled with a fog. Its an anxiety-induced fog. You see, in exactly 1 week at this time, I will probably be boarding my first of two flights that will take me to Argentina. I guess some people (maybe a lot of people) would say "cool." Not so for me, though. When I was a bout 14, I developed a bad case of fear of flying. It turned into a full blown phobia that I have been battling for the last 10 years of my life. I am an anxious person in general. Dealing with anxious feelings (or "de-escalating" in therapy speak) is not something I learned as a child, so I grew into a seriously anxious adult.
I have tried various methods to deal with my flying phobia: medications, therapy, online courses, and "biting the bullet." All these things have helped in their own way, but I still struggle with my fears. The worst thing for me now is the anticipation, which is what is going on right now. I think that once we are on our way, I will be fine, but right now I am struggling to keep my brain from going into the "what-if" sequence. Thinking "what-if" is something that comes so naturally to me, that my brain will automatically go there if I don't keep myself occupied.
When I was a kid, I loved flying. I can remember feeling like it was a big adventure, and how I was so lucky to be able to travel to places that a lot of other people couldn't go. I wish I could get those feelings back. I wish I could look forward to flying like I did then instead of dreading it. I'm not sure exactly what happened to my brain between then and now, but somewhere along the way I lost the ability to enjoy things in that simple way. I don't want to be afraid, but my body seems to make its own choices sometimes.
So, for the next six days I will be doing my best to distract myself. Exercise plays a big part in that. Not only does it distract me, but it helps burn away the stress hormones my body is producing. This past Tuesday is when the anticipatory anxiety really hit me with full force. That was probably partly due to the fact that I missed my usual Monday run once again. This time it was work and rain that kept me inside. When I got home Tuesday and the rain had stopped, I wanted to take advantage. I thought, what better way to de-stress. So, I set out with five miles in mind. As soon as I started running, though, I could feel the toll that freaking out had taken on my body. Being super anxious for extended periods of time (more than, say, half an hour) tends to drain me. I managed to drag myself through three miles, but my body was worn out. I headed for home without doing the second half of my usual loop. I think it did help, though, because I woke up yesterday feeling much better. Luckily, we also had a group run scheduled, all I had to do was show up.
We met at the Running Spot. The plan was seven miles through O'Bryonville and Hyde Park. The route had lots of little loops and turns. I was dreading it as we headed out, because I knew there were several pretty big hills we would have to run, but by the end of the run, I was feeling great. The weather was perfect for running, and the stupid ice is finally gone (until tomorrow when it snows again.) I may try and get a few miles in tonight again while the sidewalks are still clear.
This past Saturday, I ditched the group and ran with two girls from work. I was kind of sad that they listened to their I-pods the entire time, but I ended up being faster than them anyway. So, at least I didn't have any guilt about running ahead of them. It was a nice 10.5 miles in Northern Kentucky. There were some pretty good hills there, too. As much as I hate them, I know the hills are great prep for the Flying Pig.
On Saturday we are meeting in O'Bryonville again for 13 miles. Its supposed to be snowing, but if its just snow, I think it will be okay. It actually sounds kind of fun. I have Yak trax and I have only used them once since I got them. We'll see how the weather pans out.
Until then, I will be trying to find my way through the anxiety brain fog and starting to pack my bags. My husband and I have not seen his family in four years. Next week when we arrive, we will all be together. He deserves this time with them, so I need to get over my issues and enjoy this trip!